|nutella, spinach/mozz/romano, eek!|
Well, rumor has it the original croissant was forged in Budapest, somewhere near the end of the 17th century, following a siege attempt and local bakers celebrating their intact city by fashioning a roll to reflect the crescent on the Ottoman flag or something. Nobody cares anymore. But this shit is delicious. This is Papa Ritter’s recipe. And we heart him.
4 cups all-purpose flour1/4 cup sugar
1 1/2 tsp salt
1 cup milk
1 cup warm water
3/4 oz active dry yeast (proofed for a few minutes in a bit of the warm water)
1/2 lb (2 sticks) butter, at room temp
-have ready 1 egg plus 1 tbsp water, beaten
rolling pin (wash the blood off first)
countertop electric mixer (or not, hands work too if you’re not a pussy)
a couple baking sheets
pastry brush or brand new medium-sized paintbrush
Combine all the ingredients (except butter and egg) in the bowl of your electric mixer fitted with a dough hook, or in a medium bowl and combine by hand, old-timey like, until everything sticks together in a good chunk. Mix with dough hook or knead by hand for about 6 minutes, until your dough wad is smooth and elastic, like your thighs but smoother.
Spread loosely on a floured baking sheet, cover with plastic wrap or a couple towels and let it rest for at least 3 hrs in the fridge (other cold places: basement, arctic entry), or as long as overnight.
Now, when you’re ready to commit to playtime, roll out the dough on a floured surface in a long rectangle, approximately 18”x 10”-ish.
Dot your dough with thin pats of 1/3 of the butter, fold in thirds, and set aside and cover to rest for about 1/2 hour. Repeat this two more times, rolling it out first and resting after each butter addition.
Now to shape your little snacks. Roll out the dough on your floured countertop to about 1/4” thickness. Croissant dough can be used and shaped liberally, much like puff pastry, in a variety of applications. It can be cut and molded and stretched and pinched, and will usually give you just a puffier version of what you had in mind. So you are free to experiment! Turnovers with goop inside are always a hit. We put Nutella in some and a savory spinach and cheese concoction (respectively) in some others. What great ideas!
But if you want a classic little croissant, cut triangles of dough by first cutting squares (maybe about 6” x 6”, but smaller is always cuuuuuute) and then halving those diagonally. Roll from one of the sides up to it’s opposite point and plop it on your parchment-lined sheet pan. Gently curl the ends inward to create a crescent shape.
Ta daaaaaaaaaa! Repeat as necessary, dummy.
Preheat your oven to 425; meanwhile let your pans of goodies rise for 30-45 minutes in a warm place. Brush tops lightly with egg/water mixture and cram those suckers in the hotbox for about 10-12 minutes, but keep an eye on them! Look for rich, deep golden brown tops. There! You’re fancy! Nice job, dickhead.
mmmmmbuulbbhbhhbllluuuurrrghgghluuurghgg. The love handles are worth it. Bllluuuugghrghyeahtotally.