Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Croissant Avec Beurre!

nutella, spinach/mozz/romano, eek!
Well, rumor has it the original croissant was forged in Budapest, somewhere near the end of the 17th century, following a siege attempt and local bakers celebrating their intact city by fashioning a roll to reflect the crescent on the Ottoman flag or something.  Nobody cares anymore.  But this shit is delicious.  This is Papa Ritter’s recipe.  And we heart him.
INGREDIENTS
4 cups all-purpose flour
1/4 cup sugar
1 1/2 tsp salt
1 cup milk
1 cup warm water
3/4 oz active dry yeast (proofed for a few minutes in a bit of the warm water)
1/2 lb (2 sticks) butter, at room temp
-have ready 1 egg plus 1 tbsp water, beaten 
TOOLS
rolling pin (wash the blood off first)
countertop electric mixer (or not, hands work too if you’re not a pussy)
clean countertop
a couple baking sheets
parchment paper
pastry brush or brand new medium-sized paintbrush
METHOD
rest.
Combine all the ingredients (except butter and egg) in the bowl of your electric mixer fitted with a dough hook, or in a medium bowl and combine by hand, old-timey like, until everything sticks together in a good chunk.  Mix with dough hook or knead by hand for about 6 minutes, until your dough wad is smooth and elastic, like your thighs but smoother.  
Spread loosely on a floured baking sheet, cover with plastic wrap or a couple towels and let it rest for at least 3 hrs in the fridge (other cold places: basement, arctic entry), or as long as overnight.  

Now, when you’re ready to commit to playtime, roll out the dough on a floured surface in a long rectangle, approximately 18”x 10”-ish.

dot.
roll.
Dot your dough with thin pats of 1/3 of the butter, fold in thirds, and set aside and cover to rest for about 1/2 hour.  Repeat this two more times, rolling it out first and resting after each butter addition.

Now to shape your little snacks.  Roll out the dough on your floured countertop to about 1/4” thickness.  Croissant dough can be used and shaped liberally, much like puff pastry, in a variety of applications.  It can be cut and molded and stretched and pinched, and will usually give you just a puffier version of what you had in mind.  So you are free to experiment!  Turnovers with goop inside are always a hit.  We put Nutella in some and a savory spinach and cheese concoction (respectively) in some others.  What great ideas!  
But if you want a classic little croissant, cut triangles of dough by first cutting squares (maybe about 6” x 6”, but smaller is always cuuuuuute) and then halving those diagonally.  Roll from one of the sides up to it’s opposite point and plop it on your parchment-lined sheet pan.  Gently curl the ends inward to create a crescent shape.  
Ta daaaaaaaaaa!  Repeat as necessary, dummy.

shape.

Preheat your oven to 425; meanwhile let your pans of goodies rise for 30-45 minutes in a warm place.  Brush tops lightly with egg/water mixture and cram those suckers in  the hotbox for about 10-12 minutes, but keep an eye on them!  Look for rich, deep golden brown tops.  There!  You’re fancy!  Nice job, dickhead.


TASTING NOTES

mmmmmbuulbbhbhhbllluuuurrrghgghluuurghgg. The love handles are worth it.  Bllluuuugghrghyeahtotally.

cram.



Saturday, January 8, 2011

Fresh Bing Cherry Pie. Oh, my.

Does anyone out there really NOT love pie?  Assholes who are too chicken-shit to indulge a little, I guess.  Agent Dale Cooper loves pie, and he’s the dreamiest.  We also share his love of coffee.  But on this particular evening, we paired our pie with a lamb roast and fresh ravioli, among other snacks.  Hello!  Now, we’re big fans of “alternative” ingredients and the like, but with things like cherry pie, good old white flour really does the trick.
INGREDIENTS
The Cherry Chomper 
Crust:
1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
3/4 cup butter (that’s 1 1/2 sticks), at room temp
a pinch or two of salt, if your butter wasn’t salted
cold water 
Filling:
about 5 cups Bing cherries (2-2 1/2 lbs), pitted and halved
3/4 cup sugar
3 1/2 tbsp cornstarch
2 tbsp water
juice and zest from 1 lemon

the elusive Mike B, chomping cherries

METHOD
Preheat your oven to 400.
Mix all the filling junk together in a bowl and combine thoroughly.  Set aside.  If you’d like to substitute tart cherries, increase the sugar by another 1/2 cup.  Normally I turn to flour for thickening things, mainly because it’s less processed and I like that idea, but Mike B insisted on cornstarch.  What a bossy little bitch.
Next, the crust.  It seems that I’m a renegade when it comes to pie crust.  I don’t use cold butter, I don’t measure the water I throw in, and I don’t let it rest and chill before rolling.  This way it’s quick and easy, even more so than I was in the summer of 2004.  But that’s a different blog post altogether.  But I swear it’s flaky and tender EVERY TIME!!!  “Flaky” and “tender” are what everyone wants in a pie crust, no?
Dump the flour into a medium bowl, and the salt if your butter is unsalted.  Dice up your butter and throw it in there, too.  Now wash those paws of yours and crumble the butter into the flour with said paws.  Do not use a pastry blender, do not use a food processor.  Not if you want to be a renegade.  Squish and crumble until you have a generally mealy texture with a good helping of pea or bean-sized chunks as well.  These little butter wads equal flaky crust once baked.
Now get some cold water in a cup.  Start out by dumping about 1/3 cup into your butter/flour mix.  Squish it around a little, and add more as necessary, a tablespoon at a time, until the dough just holds together.  Make sure to do this step quickly, within a minute or so, with as little mixing as possible.  Wet dough doesn’t like to be fussed with too much.  
Cut your dough ball in half, one slightly larger than the other.  Roll out the larger half on a floured surface and lay it gently in a 9-inch pie plate.  No need to grease it.  Remember all that butter in the dough?  Yeah.
Plop the filling in there.  Roll out the other half of your dough.  If you want to make a solid top crust, remember to poke some vent holes in it with a tiny knife or something, maybe in a fancy pattern or a picture of something you like.  This time, we chose to go with a lattice top.  Seems complicated.  It’s not.  Figure it out, dummy.  
Seal your top and bottom crusts with a fork or your fingers.  
Bake at 400 on a middle rack for 10-15 minutes, then turn the oven down to 350 and bake for an additional 40-50 minutes, rotating 1/4 turn every once in a while.  You may want to put a sheet pan under it to catch the escaping cherry goo before it burns to the bottom of your oven FOREVER.  You’re looking for a nice deep golden crust and bubbling goop from inside trying to crawl out of the pan.  
Let it cool at room temp for at least 1-2 hours, if not more.  Hot pie is delicious, I know, but it’s also runny.  If your fat face can manage to hold off for a bit, it’ll be pleasantly rewarded with heavenly sweet-tart fruit snot enveloped by that “tender, flaky crust”.  Agent Cooper would be more than happy to bury his face in your pie.  Yes, please!
TEAM VELMA LOVES PIE.
  

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Ma Chisholm's Apple Nut Cake

I love my Mom. She's basically one of the coolest, funniest, and most surprising people I know. This holiday I made it down to see the whole Chisholm crew, and I managed to sneak in some boozey cooking and baking with the lady who taught me everything I know.
Within the first 3 hours of walking through my parents' front door, I found myself  sweatpants clad, wearing a Santa hat, and holding a bloody mary. My mom popped up from around the corner clutching her favorite cookbook, and flipped to the dirtiest, gunkiest page with an excited grin.
Soups and Samplers a 1962 tome which to the naked eye looks like any 10 cent garage sale cookbook. Really it's a turdy looking gem--chock full of rock-solid no-fail recipes.
The apple nut cake in question sounds like nothing special, but this version yields extremely moist and flavorful chunks that melt in your mouth and warm the cockles of your bitter frost-bitten heart!
...and let's face it, who hates the smell of appley spicy goodness filling your house!? On Christmas fer crying out loud!?

 

METHOD
First you need some fuckin' apples. Personally, I prefer the tart variety,  as does my family. The damn granny smiths needed skinnin', and since peeling apples by hand is for losers, my Ma pulled out our handy-dandy apple peeling machine. It takes about 7 seconds per apple and it's a pretty good investment (BONUS! you can use them for any fruit of veg that needs to be skinned). 
Once bald, hack up the apples, roughly chop up the delightfully greasy walnuts, and combine both in a large mixing bowl. I added a generous drizzle of lemon juice, threw in the sugar, oil, and water to keep the apple chunks from drying out or getting oxidized.
It's so easy to make this cake as I was pretty buzzed, and I still managed to not mess it up!
You finish up by dumping the rest of the sifted dry ingredients into the mixing bowl, give her a good stir, and pour into your desired (greased) cake pans.
My cute Mommy dearest has always made two separate cakes, on in a glass 8x10 pan, and one in a pie pan (Pyrex also). The depth really lends well to get both cakes thoroughly cooked and caramelized on top and bottom.
Bake it up for about 40-45 minutes on 375 and voila...you're feeding 3 drunk 20-somethings and they're friends and putting a shit-eating grin on everyone's face. 
THANKS MOM! (i luv you!)

RECIPE
3-4 Apples (whatever you prefer. Grannies bake better and lend some acid to the sweetness of the batter)
1 1/2 cups of walnuts (the recipe calls for any tree variety, but we liked walnuts because they are awesome)
1 egg
1 cup sugar
1 cup flour
1/4 cup oil
1 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
nutmeg and cinnamon to taste (nutmeg is hated by our family so we omit it, and it's ok!)

these assholes totally love the apple nut cake!

Recipe provided by "Soups and Samplers" by Suzanna Wheppler and Adele G. Jones 1962